cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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