I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
