pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You smell like stripper and shame
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
