Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
