I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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