That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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