Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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