can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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