i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
