i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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