Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
