i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
