omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
