Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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