Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
