god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
