i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
