I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They took my balls.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
