I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
