I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
