Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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