I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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