youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
