This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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