So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
