he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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