"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
