Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
