just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
