i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
