you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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