I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
