what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
