i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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