just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
