I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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