life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just pee around me
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
