remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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