i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
