Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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