The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
