Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
