this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
