So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
