so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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