Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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