and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
