the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
