It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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