Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
