i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
