A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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