i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
