How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
